Saturday, December 14, 2013

Shotgun Wedding, Y'all

     Dear Triker Chick:
     What is the appropriate bridal attire for a backwoods wedding? 
     Signed,     Wondering in the Woods

Dearest Bambi,

Wouldn't you know, this is a question I've oft asked myself. (Actually, I haven't. In fact, until tonight I didn't even know I had an answer to this question. But I thought if I demonstrated some understanding and affinity, you'd feel better about my answer.)

Fear not, we have discovered a fabulous resource. Accidentally, of course. I must commend my fabulous friend Kristin for accidentally twirling me in the direction of what may be one of the raddest bridal websites ever. Ever in the history of the interwebby thing. Ever!

In one very special site, you can find the camouflage wedding dress of your dreams -- and maybe even your mother's nightmares, if you're lucky. Think of the possibilities! There are so many varieties of camouflage from which to choose. And accent colors. And dress styles. Ooooh, and shoes and veils and decorations and stuff.

Kristin and I decided that one of our friends, who shall remain nameless for my own personal safety, might want to renew her vows. And a theme wedding could just be so much darn fun. And Duck Dynasty is all the rage these days, so hey... The possibilities!

We chose a lovely bridal gown, complete with camouflage ruffles and high-vis hunter's orange accents.

And color-matched shoes.

And a lovely color-matched bouquet, complete with camo and safety-orange flowers.

Everyone wants to make a statement on their wedding day. This ensemble would definitely succeed in doing so -- at least in my wedding attendance experience. Heck, I'd even fly to Vegas to attend such a wedding.

Fear not, you can't have theme wedding with the bride alone carrying the vision. We selected a fabulous bridesmaid dress and even proposed at least one candidate for the position. (OK, most of that was a deflection to avoid finding ourselves in safety orange or camo.) And now, we present the dress for the attendants of the bride.

But wouldn't it look strange if the officiant was all garbed up in white or some other form of denominational dress? Fear not.

(Strangely, the photos insist anonymity for the
person representing the ministerial role.)

Then there are a lot of choices to make: Indoor or outdoor wedding. One thing to really consider for an outdoor wedding. Visibility! Hey, what's that big orange bow over there by the tree? Oh, that's the bride! So, if you're going to go with the camo dress, you probably want to select an indoor venue. Likewise -- avoid too much greenery at the altar.

Wedding favors: Shotgun shells? Fishing lures? 

And the menu...  Wow. Traditional wedding chicken, rice, veggies, salad? Or dive into the theme and go wild -- literally. Hunt it, kill it, grill it, and serve it next to the cake. I don't care what you do with the rest of your menu, but there's gotta be cake. 

But carrot cake? The rest of it is all about creativity and personal expression, but carrot cake is wedding blasphemy. Don't even go there.  

Triker Chick

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