Monday, October 1, 2007


@ and I have a running commentary about chickens. When I don't know how to answer him, I bring in the chickens. He likes me to incorporate chickens into his bedtime stories. Sometimes he makes it very clear that I am, indeed, a "big mean chicken." When he barks, I cluck back at him and he generally replies with, "Quit bok-bokking mama!" (So then I meow and wind up going through a litany of other animal noises until I give up and return to the rusted trusted barnyard fowl.)

With @'s brother, it's hawks. The relationship is different. I don't get to play the verbal games. But I see hawks in odd places. Or, it's possible the hawks were always there and I didn't see them.

Shortly after the boys were born, a young hawk moved into in our neighborhood -- in the mix of Silicon Valley's freeways, expressways, and Starbucks. At first he seemed to spend a lot of time going from tree to tree as if trying to find other hawks or get his bearings. Eventually he settled into a routine and in the early evenings would spend time in the front-yard mulberry tree or a nearby neighbor's tree before moving on. I haven't seen him in a couple of years, but it was nice to have him around.
  • I found feathers while I was pregnant.
  • When X and I got married, a red-tailed hawk circled above us at the end of the ceremony.
  • A pair of hawks live in the eucalyptus trees that border the parking lot at work and I had my desk reconfigured so I can face that way.
And then there are the random hawks that just seem to be "around." As soon as the boys were born, I had an unexplained feeling that feathers and N were connected. And it eventually evolved to hawks.

For N's birthday, I got a hawk of my own. It's a tattoo. He's already always with me in my heart, but he has no grave, no memorial. I wear a necklace that represents both @ and N. But I've always needed something that marked N's impact -- gave him a greater presence than my internal grief. Some people might think it's drastic or odd, but there's something truly comforting about having him as part of me again, physically.

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