Friday, December 26, 2008

Boy in da Snow

@ has been talking about snow for weeks, ever since I told him we'd be coming up to LD's for the holiday. We drove up in the rain Christmas Eve-- he sat with a blue bucket next to him and explained how he'd use it to collect snow. Although it rained all night, temperatures didn't dive low enough to produce snow.

I considered attempting to come up with words to a new song -- I'm Dreaming of a Muddy Christmas -- but the initial disappointment of missing snow was quickly replaced with the desire to rip into presents. Like most kids promised the arrival of Santa overnight, he woke up with the energy of a guy on his fifth can of Red Bull.

After breakfast and opening presents, the rain turned to sleet. Shortly thereafter, on cue, it turned to snow. Both @ and Lucas thoroughly enjoyed it.

Thursday, December 25, 2008

Dog vs. Bubble Wrap

I shall defeat you, evil bubble wrap. I am the hound. You will feel my wrath.

Monday, December 22, 2008

Dangers of Partying in the Forest

Stuffed deer heads on walls are bad enough,
but it's worse when they are wearing dark glasses and
have streamers in their antlers
because then you know
they were enjoying themselves
at a party
when they were shot. -- Ellen DeGeneres

Fifteen Days of Chrismuka

Continuing the current trend of large-scale mergers and acquisitions, it was announced today at a press conference that Christmas and Hanukkah will merge. An industry source said that the deal had been in the works for about 1300 years.

While details were not available at press time, it is believed that the overhead cost of having twelve days of Christmas and eight days of Hanukkah was becoming prohibitive for both sides. By combining forces, we''re told, the world will be able to enjoy consistently high-quality service during the Fifteen Days of Chrismukah, as the new holiday is being called.

Massive layoffs are expected, with lords a-leaping and maids a-milking being the hardest hit. As part of the conditions of the agreement, the letters on the dreydl, currently in Hebrew, will be replaced by Latin, thus becoming unintelligible to a wider audience.

Also, instead of translating to "A great miracle happened there," the message on the dreydl will be the more generic "Miraculous stuff happens." In exchange, it is believed that Jews will be allowed to use Santa Claus and his vast merchandising resources for buying and delivering their gifts.

One of the sticking points holding up the agreement for at least three hundred years was the question of whether Jewish children could leave milk and cookies for Santa even after having eaten meat for dinner. A breakthrough came last year, when Oreos were finally declared to be Kosher. All sides appeared happy about this.

A spokesman for Christmas, Inc., declined to say whether a takeover of Kwanzaa might not be in the works as well. He merely pointed out that, were it not for the independent existence of Kwanzaa, the merger between Christmas and Chanukah might indeed be seen as an unfair cornering of the holiday market. Fortunately for all concerned, he said, Kwanzaa will help to maintain the competitive balance. He then closed the press conference by leading all present in a rousing rendition of "Oy Vey, All Ye Faithful."

Wednesday, December 17, 2008

Dual-Flush the Day Away...

Some office mornings just don't start well. Going directly from parking lot to conference room can be a little frazzling. But having a disembodied, and very cranky, voice yell at a room full of people across two states via speakerphone?

Well, it's not pretty. At one point I considered offering to step out of the room to call Barack Obama on my cell phone to ask him to shift his presidential inauguration by a day to better align with this person's preferred schedule. However, I've been advised that "not everyone really understands when you're kidding."

When the day starts sour, you know it's going to take a bit of doing to undo the film brought on by that variety of "professionalism."

It took a field trip to another building for a lunch meeting, but I found it. Strangely, the best part of my day was an instructional sign above a new-fangled water-saving toilet. A sign over a toilet. And yes, I
reallllllly wish I'd had a camera with me. And yes, I'm seriously considering driving back to said building for the sole purpose of photographing this sign.

It was that good.

Or my morning was that bad.

I'm paraphrasing, but the sign basically said this...

This is a water-saving toilet.
To eliminate liquid waste, press the green button.
To eliminate solid waste, press the silver button.

The automatic sensor will select how much water
to use based on how much time is spent in the stall.

And I learned that those automatic sensor thingies are called "flushometers." And this particular product is the
Sloan Valve Products ECOS Exposed Battery Operated Electronic Dual Flush Water Closet Flushometer

hy do I know that? Because Google is my friend and I just had to find the dang thing on the Web.

I wish network switch product pages were this fun to read:
  • If the user is present for less than one minute and leaves the sensing zone or chooses the small override button, a reduced flush initiates (1.1 gpf/4.2 Lpf) eliminating liquid and paper waste, saving 1/2 gallon of water.
  • If the user is present for greater than one minute and leaves the zone or chooses the large override button, the full flush initiates (1.6 gpf/6.0 Lpf) eliminating solid waste and paper.
  • Reduces water volume by up to 30% when a reduced flush occurs.
  • "Leaves the zone." Love that.
  • User friendly three (3) second Flush Delay.
  • Courtesy Flush™ Override Button.
  • Trademarking the term "Courtesy Flush"? Brilliance!
    • Flush Accuracy Controlled by CID™ Technology.
    And thank goodness for accurate flushes and more trademarked technology to ensure them.

    Monday, December 15, 2008

    For the Love of God?

    "Hey, I believe in Jesus Christ and if you don't,
    that's okay because you're going to fry
    like a Jimmy Dean pure pork sausage."
    --Pastor Ken Hutcherson, Antioch Bible Church
    commenting on a protest sign posted near a nativity scene at the Washington State capitol

    Wow, that's just the kind of guy you want at the pulpit.